German Goths

I'm writing this entry, so soon after the last one, in an attempt to do this more often. I have ideas of things that I want to write about, like I said, and I just let them fade away. But if I write more often, I should be able to capture more of them.

Also, this is the last day of the month and if I don't write today, May 2009 will only have one, very lonely, angst-ridden post.

Berlin is full of goth kids. Not just kids... People. Now, for the record, I want to state that I have absolutely nothing against "goths," or people who identify themselves as "goth." It just seems to me, at least in the U.S., that goths are generally made fun of in the most brutal way. Like, almost as part of a self-identification, they choose to express that they are "different" than "mainstream" society, and therefore don't CARE what the rest of society thinks about their dyed black hair or their Hot Topic choke coller.

But here in Deutschland, while there certainly must be that element of anti-social/anti-society trend as well... it is much less so. And as for piercings and tattoos, while these are of course popular in the U.S., only a minority of people (especially under 35) are free of body modification.

These people, who would just as easily describe themselves as "punks" loiter all over the place. But one of their favorite places in Berlin is the area around the Fernsehturm (TV tower: "fern" = far; "sehen" = to see; turm = tower) at Alexanderplatz, a center of transportation and shopping in the east part of the central district of Berlin, "Mitte," where I live. The Soviets built it back in the DDR days of East/West as a symbol of their superior technology. It's the tallest free standing structure in Germany. Makes sense that there'd be punks/goths at the bottom. There is one kid I've seen a few times in the train station. He has long hair, a huge black coat, huge black baggy jeans, and he draws eyeliner from his eyes in these lines down the sides of his face in straight lines and deliberate angles like a character from a comic book.

In response to Liz's last comment and also somewhat to Billy's recent podcast, I will now say my last piece on this subject for the time being. Not because I don't think it's interesting or important... Just because I don't want it to be the only topic that repeats throughout my writing!
I don't think that nihilism (or any -ism, for that matter) is a common topic of conversation or even consideration by people who may be "less intellectual." Not that we're all geniuses. But that line of thinking is far too abstract for most people. We "smart" people like words. We like waxing philosophical about concepts using our written or spoken words. We like to exchange words with other smart people, so that we can use our impressive vocabularies to prove how lettered we are to each other. Hmm... i started by writing about nihilism and now I'm starting to sound like a narcissist.

In regards to my own nihilistic thinking, I don't think it's necessarily always as depressing and bleak as I may have made it sound before. It's not like I don't feel anything. I went to see the band Telefon Tel Aviv on Friday night and it was a truly awesome and emotional experience. It meant something to me. The friendships that I have with people also mean a lot to me, of course. I think the problem is that I don't always want to care about things. I tend to invest a lot of my energy into the few things that I really care about, and perhaps my nihilistic leanings are simply a defense mechanism because I don't want to commit to anything, or be disappointed by loss or let-downs.

I think I just need a healthy, useless distraction. I really wish I could play Metal Gear Solid 4, or Resident Evil 5. If I think about it too much, I start to feel disappointed. Then I just tell myself, "Oh well..." and stop thinking about it. See how easy that was?

Guten Rutsch!

I am in the town of Lutherstadt Wittenberg, in Germany. Today is New Year's Eve, known to the Germans as "Silvester." I've been here since Sunday, and have had a great time so far. I must admit, I still feel as though I am on vacation and not actually living here. I suppose it will take some weeks for that reality to sink in.

On Friday I am taking the train an hour north to Berlin, and moving into my new place. This will have the advantages of internet, privacy and not being forced to live out of my backpack.

I can't get used to how the sun only really shines from 9:30 to 4pm, and even then it never gets very high in the sky. It's like living in Alaska or something. Maybe I am too equatorial from living in Florida too long.

Tonight should be fun. Germans are only allowed to purchase and use fireworks and other pyrotechnics on December 30th & 31st. So, naturally they make the most of it. At least that's how it was last year.

I still haven't established a good sleep schedule, though it's only been a few days. I'm guessing it will take a few more days. I keep waking up at 2, 4 & 5am. This will serve me somewhat well when language classes begin next Monday at 9am.

I've been following the Israel/Gaza madness. I wonder if they will ever stop slaughtering each other. So far it's been 4-5 days and almost 400 Palestinians are dead. Probably more based on how many are "missing."

I've been reading some mass-market spy-action-thriller book by a guy named Vince Flynn. It's really entertaining. Like "24," if it were a book. Picked it up for 50% off at the Sarasota airport before I left.

I've got to go grocery shopping before it closes (early, like noon) today and remains closed until Friday.

I will likely be updating this more often now that I am "abroad."

Change I can believe in

So I am currently sitting on the couch in my mother's home in Sarasota, FL. I arrived here yesterday after days of packing up my apartment in Tallahassee, FL. I will keep this part of the rant short, but basically I feel the act of "moving" to be one of the most strenuous and difficult tasks to do. Partly this is because I am a notorious pack-rat, and had not thrown anything away since my first apartment when I was 19 years in 2001.

I ended up throwing away a great deal of detritus this time. Everything from college notebooks to my 2004 "Employee of the Month" certificate from when I worked at Blockbuster Video. Jesus. What the hell compelled me to keep such a thing? There's more, of course. Letters, notes, papers, pamphlets, movie ticket-stubs, the list goes on and on. Mainly, when all was said and done, I kept my books, my DVDs, some clothes (though I donated 6 garbage bags full of clothing to Goodwill, along with most of my other meaningless possessions [plates, towels, blankets... essentially everything I DIDN'T keep]). I sold all of my video games and systems for $222 cash, which was awesome. I gave away half of my furniture, my television, bookshelves, chairs.

Ridding oneself of most material items is marvelously liberating, to be quite honest.

Besides, I couldn't take it to Germany when I leave here [in FOUR days], and don't want to store it all somewhere. Just isn't worth it.

The hardest thing to do was to give up my cat, Merle. I had him for over six years, after rescuing him from a dumpster near my first apartment in 2002. It was particularly cold that year, and he was very young and thin. I gave him to a couple in Tallahassee who work for an international environmental law firm. When I left their apartment after saying farewell to my feline, I felt like someone had just shot my son in front of my eyes. I know that may sound ridiculous, but I had more trouble saying goodbye to Merle than to any human I've said goodbye to so far. I take comfort in the fact that he isn't dead, and will spend the latter half of his life in a loving home with people who have the means to take care of him. Plus, they promised to send pictures once and a while, which will help.

So, I am going to Germany on Saturday (landing Sunday the 28th) for an indeterminate amount of time. It could be a few months, or a few years (though much more likely to be the latter). I have written about this before, I know. I have been spinning my wheels, lost in a haze of boredom, apathy and loneliness for the past 5 months since I returned from Germany last time. A college graduate who is simply that. A 26-year old with a piece of paper saying that I'm smart enough to finish a four-year degree at a state university. Finally, I am moving abroad. To me this is the ultimate lifestyle change. I feel that this change is one that I need more than anything else since I moved to Tallahassee in 2006. Sure, there are plenty of things for me to be apprehensive about, but at this point I am just looking forward to believing in myself, in life, in my future once more.

For the very few of you who read this: Expect more frequent entries upon departure/arrival.

Deutschland und ich...

So, in 2005, I obtained my A.A. degree from Manatee Community College in Bradenton, FL. In celebration, my current girlfriend & I went to Europe in celebration. I saw 10 countries in 5 weeks. In retrospect, it was probably too ambitious... With only a few days in each country, most of the trip was spent on trains (countless), planes (3), ferries (2) and a Chunnel. The upside is that I can say that I saw, in slightly more than 1 month:

Anne Frank's House
Amsterdam's Red Light District
The Van Gogh Museum
what remains of the Berlin Wall
The Brandenburg Gate
Checkpoint Charlie
The St. Vitus Cathedral in the Prague Castle
The Concentration Camp "Theresienstadt"
Heroes Square in Budapest
The Buda Castle on the Danube
The Acropolis and corresponding Parthenon
The Greek Islands while crossing the Ionian Sea by ferry to Italy
The Colloseum
The Vatican
The Trevi Fountain
St. Mark's Square and the nearby canals of Venice.
The world's biggest Toblerone bar (4.5 kg) in a chocolate shop in Bern, Switzerland, and the surrounding Alps
The Eiffel Tower
The Louvre
The Arc De Triomphe
Big Ben
Buckingham Palace
and Dublin.

By Dublin, I was too tired and travel-weary to do much of anything, which is a shame. That is one of the reasons I am making Ireland a top spot on my "List of Countries to Re-visit."

But this post is not going to be about my European adventures in the summer of 2005.

It's about the 2nd destination of my trip: Berlin, and Germany.

The first thing I noticed about it was how clean it was. I have been to NYC and Boston and other huge cities... but Berlin was/is the cleanest I've experienced. The language intrigued me too, though I couldn't understand any of it. I had never been very good with languages, despite the machinations of my mother (who sent me to a language summer camp at Duke when I was 14 years old to study Japanese). I took the minimum requirements at my high school in French, (ending in 9th grade with French II). I took 1 semester of Spanish at MCC and got an A, but didn't care.

When I got to FSU, I was told that I would have to take 3 levels of a language to get my B.A. degree. My advisor advised me to sign up for Spanish II, as I had already started studying Spanish at MCC. But I said, "What if I want to take a different language, instead?" He was baffled. "Why would you want to start over?," he asked. Why? Fuck Spanish, that's why! I hold no grudge against Hispanics, Latinos, Mexicans, Spaniards, Central Americans, Puerto Ricans, or the team of underpaid non-English speaking immigrants with whom I work. But, I have been to Mexico, and I don't really want to go back. The place is depressing. And the parts of Mexico that aren't depressing, drip with the venom of consumer luxury tourism.

Spain, however, is on my "List of Countries to Visit."

Thus, I began my career in FSU's German Department. The head of the department actually wrote the book that we used in German I and II. Her last name is Adolph. {insert remark on coincidence or irony here} She is an American national who got her PhD in German and married a German dude a long time ago (he was also one of my teachers, a computer geek whose class consisted of me creating this website).

Because of the lack of spots in the meager amount of Elementary German 1 classes offered, I could not start until my 2nd semester at FSU, in the summer of 2006. Elementary German II followed in Fall of '06, and German III in the Spring of '07. Finally, the language barrier in my mind had been torn down. Despite finishing the University's requirement of 3rd level competency, I decided to push it a step further and make German my Minor. (Behind History as my Major, with which I focused mostly on German studies -- even in my "U.S. Civil War" class, for which I wrote my major research paper for the class on 'the effects of German Immigrants from the failed Revolutions of 1848 in Europe' had on the war.)

The Minor required 12 credits (4 courses) BEYOND the first three levels. I took the website/computer class in the summer of 2007.

During the 3 weeks in between Summer07 - Fall07 semesters, I went back to Europe for the 2nd time. I was in a quaint little town called Lutherstadt Wittenberg where the Protestant Reformation began almost 500 years ago (9 years until 2017, when it will have been 500 years since Luther nailed his '95 Theses' to the door of the castle church in Wittenberg.)

That was the first time I had traveled alone, and it was 3 weeks in 1 place instead of 10 places in 5 weeks. Obviously, a completely different experience. I was in class all day Monday-Friday. I made friends, both native Germans and other foreigners like myself. I never spoke English, because nobody really knew much of it. I revisited Berlin for a day, unaware that I would be staying over twice as long in the following summer (this summer, 2008) in most bad-ass capital I've ever been to.

Nevertheless, that is when I fell in love with the place.

I applied for a Fulbright English Teaching Assistantship, which was -in itself- a worthwhile endeavor, and ultimately I was named as "an alternate," which really meant "Sorry, you're on the standby list buddy." I did not get the fellowship, but I did not let that stop me from going back.

After 7 courses, and over 2 full years of study (including my study abroad experience in August of '07, for which I received no college credit), I signed up for a 6 week semi-Intensive course at the Freie Universität Berlin. Aside from having the best summer of my lifetime thus far, I also realized that at this point, it was no longer a choice. Germany was in my future, no matter what.

I've heard inspirational sayings to the effect of: "If you want something badly enough, you can make it happen."

Well, it's happening... in 42 days.

I am leaving America (in good hands) for an indeterminate amount of time, with plans to eventually return. I hope to take the TestDAF (Deutsch als Fremdsprache or "German as a foreign language") on April 22nd, 2009. Between the beginning of January through the test date, I will be in intense language classes to prepare myself for study at a German University (hopefully one in Berlin!) with the eventual goal of obtaining a Master's Degree.

Sadly, now that we are talking about the future, I cannot say what will happen. But, I'm optimistic.

Lastly, I will say that the past 4 months following my return to America have -for the most part- sucked. I appreciate and love my family and friends but...

...the idea of giving up/temporarily leaving everything I own, including my cat, car, friends, family and culture, seems like the best thing that I can do for myself. I am elated. I am excited, and I am terrified.