Hello everyone. It has, once again, been a short while since my last post. Maybe I am afraid that if I post too frequently, my posts will go unread.
In any case, what is new. I am still on Permanent Vacation. Well, it is not entirely permanent. I am putting the finishing touches on my application to Humboldt Universität Berlin. The deadline is actually up next Wednesday, and I'm just waiting on my transcript to get here from FSU. I won't find out if I was accepted or not until August. If accepted, I must retake a German proficiency exam called the DSH in September, because my TestDaF scores were not high enough. I am not at all excited about re-taking a language exam.
In preparation for this test, I will probably be taking the C2 level course for 8 weeks, in August and September, at the same school that I completed the C1 level course in January and February. I am a little nervous about that possibility, because C2 is the last level. I should theoretically be able to do "anything" after that.
If I do not get accepted to Humboldt, then I will end up getting a job and then re-applying for the Spring Semester. This is obviously the lesser of the 2 possible options.
Other than that, not much is new in Germany. It is getting very warm. Since Europeans do not believe in A/C, I bought myself an oscillating fan. It has been worth every penny thus far.
So I've been thinking about writing a blog post about a certain topic for a while. It has to do with the dynamic between two people. This applies (to some extent) to platonic friendships, but moreso to intimate relationships. Since relationships seem to be a hot blog topic, I figured it was about time to throw this out there. I have talked about this with some of you in the past, and it has been a theory of mine for quite some time.
I believe that in every relationship between two people, one person plays the role of the "Seeker," which means that he or she actively spends more time "pursuing" the other person, who takes the role of the "Sought." When I talk about "pursuit," I do not necessarily mean when one tries to make the other into their significant other (although that certainly counts too) but I also just mean when one person seems to try harder than the other to hang out, to get in touch, etc. I would actually say that this dynamic applies to every relationship. And most certainly to every significant other-relationship.
The healthiest couples are usually (of course not always) those that have the smallest "gap" in between the Seeker and the Sought. If it is either so small that it cannot be noticed, or even small enough that the two people change roles back and forth, that usually makes for a relationship that can last for a while.
One must also watch out at the beginning of a courtship (or even a new friendship). If you meet someone, exchange phone numbers and/or add them to your Facebook, you would do well to not send them 10 unanswered text messages a day. If they are replying to your 10 messages, obviously the gap between you is small and you are on the right track. This may sound like common sense, but it's amazing how often people ruin potentially good relations because they fail to exercise restraint.
I have been on both ends of this before. When you are the Seeker, you feel that if you do not put in 60% or more of the total "work" required to maintain a relationship, that it will fall apart. Most often, the Sought KNOWS full well that the Seeker feels this way, and may use it to their advantage.
At the beginning, the distinction between the two can be blurred by mutual enthusiasm for one another. In these instances I would say that both parties are Seekers and thus are both Sought. But, inevitably an imbalance will evolve. In the best of scenarios, this imbalance is negligible or practically non-existent.
Sometimes the imbalance grows exponentially, like a cancer. The Sought becomes annoyed with the Seeker's constant attempts for more affection/attention and then pulls away. The increased distance makes the Seeker panic, and consequently they will Seek even harder. This cyclical downward spiral situation is amongst the worst of cases.
Of course, human relationships can be incredibly complicated. Not every relationship can be boiled down to these 2 categories. But it provides a useful model when one contemplates their relationships with others.
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9 comments:
After reading your post I immediately thought of myself as being the Sought in intimate relationships. And particularly how it made me feel to unchallenged and too comfortable with the idea that the person will never leave me. Interesting
I have only once been the seeker but I believe that it started out balanced. Eventually, the balance shifted and I felt like I was chasing the ghost of something wonderful...lunging after the shadows of that which brought me comfort...for whatever reason I continued at it...
such a simple concept but causing my head to hurt so much...
the longest relationship [by far] i've been in was with the high school boyfriend. we dated for almost 3 years. in applying the seeker/sought template, i realized we both played both roles, flipping often. what made it unhealthy and eventually caused the end of the relationship was that while we did swap roles, there was often a large disparity between the roles. “i need you so much but when you need me, i want my space.” i chalk this up to high school ridiculousness.
the next time i allowed myself to have similarly intense feelings for someone, albeit much different feelings, was a year after college. i fell into the role of the seeker, at first with a small gap. in a short time, the gap grew as sam postulates it always will. he [not sam, the vague “him”] pulled away and i, in turn, became crazy in attempting to reach out to ‘save’ the relationship. despite the relatively short relationship [6 months], i loved him even though i don’t believe he ever really deserved my love. better to have love and lost, right? not in this case. he made me insane. well, maybe that’s not entirely fair. he made me make me crazy.
i should state at this point that i don’t date. perhaps it’s my own intellectual arrogance, but i feel like unless i’m really fascinated by someone [which isn’t often] i’m wasting my time and their time by politely sitting across a dinner table and making small talk for a few nights. i’m not the type that believes just because i’m a girl, i’m entitled to a few free meals.
Having not engaged in serious relationships and feeling that casual dating is a stupid waste of time, I’ve had the occasional and superficial need for affection and had my fair share of casual sex which never fills a real void [haha. That’s what she said. Ahem. Sorry.] and often makes you feel worse: lonely, devalued, whorish, whatevs.
When guys first meet me, they think I’m awesome. I know me and I don’t play games. I’m up front. I spit. I swear. I can beat you up. I’m a sci-fi loving gamer geek. Guys love it…for a while. It’s not until I begin to let myself become attached to a guy and consequently become vulnerable… when I make the evolution from cool chick to chill with to “girlfriend” that they bail. Is it simply because I became the girlfriend and perhaps required a bit more from them? Is it men in general? Is it my age group? WTF?! I am beginning to think there was something wrong with me. Or perhaps that if I don’t change and act “more girly” I would always be alone or hurt. Fuck that noise. I’ll take alone, thanks.
Enter the latest boyfriend. It started as sex. He lived [quite literally] across the street. He’s a hot little Army boy [and by little I only imply height-wise] and he was diggin’ me. He was and still is the seeker. He is completely different from guys that I’ve been with [in whatever capacity] in the past. He’s not the philosopher or intellectual. Not the book smart type. He’s a simple person. Not to say that’s dumb by any means. His mind is just quieter than the people I normally surround myself with…and sometimes I’m jealous of it as my brain never shuts up.
Anyway, to tie this whole mess up because this got entirely too long…
We’ve been together for 3 and a half months now. We’ve evolved past the ‘just sex’ thing where he was the seeker with a large gap and moved into ‘a relationship’ where he still plays the seeker but with a significantly smaller gap.
While Sam’s blog made me think about all this, it was Liz’s comment that made me write this mess. I still hold the boyfriend at arm’s length emotionally. I’m not sure if this is because I’m scared of being hurt or because I know I’m the sought and I know I don’t have to give all of me to someone that doesn’t demand it…who doesn’t know what to demand. Comfortable and underchallenged.
Is that better than alone?
Better than hurt?
Better than growing up to be the crazy cat lady who is found dead and half eaten?!
Editor's note to previous post:
[I switched from typing in the little comment box to typing in MSWord in the middle of the post. This made the fact that I’m slacking off at work less obvious and corrected my defiance of capitalization.
I should also mention that I sound like I’m schizophrenic, it may be because I’ve been typing this entry on and off for about 2 hours in between customers…or it could be the ADD. Dunno.
You know it's weird, I was thinking about this as I was walking my dog this morning. Maybe because he is a needy seeker always wanting attention. From my past behavior and relationships, I concluded that I don't like either role. I don't like being sought and I don't like seeking. I have no prolem with people who engage in these roles but relationships are not for me and Im pretty comfortable with that.
For me at least, I'd rather focus my emotinos on other thing than a boyfriend and casual sex is working out great because it involves no emotional committment. The trick for me is to have it with someone you like as a person but couldnt care less as to whether they leave or not.
I can totally identify becoming the crazy woman to try and save a relationship. I'm a perfectly well adjusted intelligent woman but I did some crazy shit because the person i was with was playing mind games (unbenownst to him of course). Its really true what they say "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."
Maybe I will write a post about it or maybe I will write one about how I almost drove into a lake. Keep writing Sam, I have yet to become bored
It's interesting to read what seems to be a certain superficiality of self-analysis to the responses here - when one continually perceives oneself as being sought in a relationship (i.e. a repeated occurrence) it becomes more and more difficult to simply chalk it up to chance or fluke or even a male characteristic - the true question becomes what sort of internal motivation is leading you to seek out people who will flatter, praise, or validate you.
This, in my opinion, is an act of "seeking" on a much greater scale than in a relationship between two people - the need to surround oneself with "orbiters" or sycophants probably indicates a similar lack of self-confidence
@southern comfort (I dont know your real name) What you say has quite a bit of merit. Since I can only speak for myself, I can say that engaging in a romantic relationship with somewhat of a lapdog type person resulted from the need for me to feed my owm ego. And of course people in constant search of ego boosts lack a degree of confidence or self esteem.
I knew I didn't want to put forth any effort towards a relationship so I always ended up with people who made it quite easy for me. I knew a relationship as not what I wanted but its amusing and entertaining to have someone around ho is allways seeking your attention and approval.
I'm happy to say as an older, wiser and more confident adult, I don't engage in this behavior anymore and opt for a more truthful approach. Problem is - so many people are used to being fed lies, they rarely believe the truth when it smacks them in the face. Peace out. I like ir blog.
I liked mysoutherncomfort's take on the issue, though I have one wrinkle to add. I think a lot of the dynamic involves some principle regarding a feeling of possession and the feelings of gratification/satisfaction that come from that feeling. Many of us, especially in a world revolving more and more around instant gratification and increasing levels of intensity to satisfy a restless mind, find that once we feel we possess something we lose interest in it, or it loses the initial quality which led us to seek after it, namely, not having it. Combine that with an increased population, faster and more convenient forms of communication, and you have a situation in which people often treat one another, subconsciouly or not, as relatively replacable.
Its interesting that people focus on the ego and self-esteem of the participants, recognizing that both the seeker and the sought both have low self confidence and ego.
That being said, as someone who has played the seeker in a few relationships, its true that it stemmed from a lack of ego.
However, now that my ego is through the roof, I still find myself playing the seeker to some degree, and running away from the people who seek me.
I have a feeling that relationship roles can become somewhat permanent over time.
Although I do admit that seeking can be very fun, both because of the game itself, and because of the sense of accomplishment.
Maybe this is how hunters feel about their prey.
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