German Goths

I'm writing this entry, so soon after the last one, in an attempt to do this more often. I have ideas of things that I want to write about, like I said, and I just let them fade away. But if I write more often, I should be able to capture more of them.

Also, this is the last day of the month and if I don't write today, May 2009 will only have one, very lonely, angst-ridden post.

Berlin is full of goth kids. Not just kids... People. Now, for the record, I want to state that I have absolutely nothing against "goths," or people who identify themselves as "goth." It just seems to me, at least in the U.S., that goths are generally made fun of in the most brutal way. Like, almost as part of a self-identification, they choose to express that they are "different" than "mainstream" society, and therefore don't CARE what the rest of society thinks about their dyed black hair or their Hot Topic choke coller.

But here in Deutschland, while there certainly must be that element of anti-social/anti-society trend as well... it is much less so. And as for piercings and tattoos, while these are of course popular in the U.S., only a minority of people (especially under 35) are free of body modification.

These people, who would just as easily describe themselves as "punks" loiter all over the place. But one of their favorite places in Berlin is the area around the Fernsehturm (TV tower: "fern" = far; "sehen" = to see; turm = tower) at Alexanderplatz, a center of transportation and shopping in the east part of the central district of Berlin, "Mitte," where I live. The Soviets built it back in the DDR days of East/West as a symbol of their superior technology. It's the tallest free standing structure in Germany. Makes sense that there'd be punks/goths at the bottom. There is one kid I've seen a few times in the train station. He has long hair, a huge black coat, huge black baggy jeans, and he draws eyeliner from his eyes in these lines down the sides of his face in straight lines and deliberate angles like a character from a comic book.

In response to Liz's last comment and also somewhat to Billy's recent podcast, I will now say my last piece on this subject for the time being. Not because I don't think it's interesting or important... Just because I don't want it to be the only topic that repeats throughout my writing!
I don't think that nihilism (or any -ism, for that matter) is a common topic of conversation or even consideration by people who may be "less intellectual." Not that we're all geniuses. But that line of thinking is far too abstract for most people. We "smart" people like words. We like waxing philosophical about concepts using our written or spoken words. We like to exchange words with other smart people, so that we can use our impressive vocabularies to prove how lettered we are to each other. Hmm... i started by writing about nihilism and now I'm starting to sound like a narcissist.

In regards to my own nihilistic thinking, I don't think it's necessarily always as depressing and bleak as I may have made it sound before. It's not like I don't feel anything. I went to see the band Telefon Tel Aviv on Friday night and it was a truly awesome and emotional experience. It meant something to me. The friendships that I have with people also mean a lot to me, of course. I think the problem is that I don't always want to care about things. I tend to invest a lot of my energy into the few things that I really care about, and perhaps my nihilistic leanings are simply a defense mechanism because I don't want to commit to anything, or be disappointed by loss or let-downs.

I think I just need a healthy, useless distraction. I really wish I could play Metal Gear Solid 4, or Resident Evil 5. If I think about it too much, I start to feel disappointed. Then I just tell myself, "Oh well..." and stop thinking about it. See how easy that was?

Lebensmüde & The Apocalypse

Lebensmüde = tired or weary of life.

I rather enjoy starting my posts with a fun vocabulary word. This "lebensmüde" adjective makes me giggle a little inside. Leave it to the Germans to have this word. Although, I can say that I have certainly felt lebensmüde before. Some of you out there must be aware of this. Another great word that I recently put somewhere on Liz's blog was Existenzangst. This word means "existential angst" and also sort of something like "fear of existence." I promise, these people over here have been philosophizing for quite some time... and some pretty dark and awesome themes have emerged. But I'll leave that for a philosopher-king to explain, sometime.

I realize that I have been very lax in posting. Today marks one full month since my last post. In the past week or so, I've had plenty of requests/demands for new posts... from people who are not in my "following," which gives me some hope that this is being read by a significant enough number of people to give me the motivation to write. Thank you, to any of you who complained to me that it had been too long. Really.

Sadly, not much has really changed in the past month. I am still awaiting the results of my TestDaF examination, which should arrive in the next week or two. Afterward I must begin my applications to the Universität that I want to go to. I'll keep you posted.

In my last post, I briefly discussed my descent from casual nihilism to critical nihilism. If it wasn't "critical" last month, it probably is now. By "critical," I mean that it has (possibly) reached a sort of critical mass, and I cannot bring myself to care about most things in the same way that I ever did before. I approach many situations with total disinterest. Even the most serious of things fail to stir a proper emotional response. I still do not know if this makes me a callous asshole, or a strong person capable of accepting things that most people have trouble with. I almost feel disassociated with the world around me, relying on fictional narratives and a handful of human connections to keep me somewhat "grounded."

Talking about things like this is difficult for me. Writing about them, for a public audience, is yet a bit more difficult. But then I realize that if you're reading this, you probably at least kind of care about me, and won't judge me too harshly. And if you ARE judging me... well, the beauty of the nihilism is that I just don't care. I will end this rant now, and say that I am looking forward to William's podcast on the subject this weekend, where he will likely bring up other German philosophers who are also bad-ass.

That all sounds very depressing. Almost aggressive... I don't mean it that way. I just want to get my feelings out into words before they escape me, or before I lose the motivation to even do so.

I have been living in Germany for five months now. Unbelievable. It seems like such a short time. I think I have written about my "deutsch-esteem" before. I have gotten to the point where I can comprehend basically everything I hear and can communicate my opinions... just not as articulately as a native speaker. I doubt I'll ever get to that point. But, I am sure that being in an academic setting is vital to this. For the past month, as I've been on what I call "permanent vacation," I have felt the german-speaking part of myself start to shrink ever so slightly. Luckily I had it built up pretty far, and I still make efforts to hear, read and write it every day. I guess my problem is that, in our world of skills, talents, degrees and accreditation.... my being able to understand one foreign language really isn't all that special. So I had better make it count.

As I wander around Berlin, I often come up with subjects for this blog, which I subsequently either discard or forget. I've thought about doing an entry entirely in German, but that would be more of a practice exercise for me than something most of you would want to read. I'll do one in German if Billy does one in Japanese, how about that? At least they have decent internet translators for German <-> English...

Switching subjects, I have always been pre-occupied with the Apocalypse. Not necessarily the DragonRealms "Cataclysm," nor the biblical "Revelations." Just the concept in general. For this reason, I have an strong affinity for Resident Evil, Terminator, Mad Max, I Am Legend, Stephen King's The Stand and Battlestar Galactica. The list goes on and on, but it does not include the Left Behind series with Kirk Cameron.

I think the reason that I am so interested in eschatology is not because I want the world to end. I really don't. I just wonder what would happen if every single infrastructure in the world failed, and only 5% of the human race remained alive. Would we climb back to our former positions? Somehow... I don't think so. Whether it's nuclear war, a zombie invasion, or an army of sentient and murderous machines... we'd need to figure something out if we want to survive. It would give us a genuine purpose to live, beyond just living. We would not be concerned with Starbucks, iPods or luxury cars. Maybe, in wanting the apocalypse, I actually just want something more for the human race.