Accepting the Ashes

Hmm... I have thought about writing a post for a while now, and I realize that it has been about 50 days since my last one. .

Well, the "Summer" semester of 2010 has officially begun, as of last week. As much as I might complain about it, I am actually glad to be back in school. The boredom was starting to make me crazy, almost reminding me of my permanent vacation from last year. So far my schedule is alright but a little chaotic in that I do not know if I will be allowed to remain in a course (Hauptseminar) which I need in order to graduate on time. I suppose one of the disadvantages of socialized education is that they do not pay a vast army of administrative officials to worry about things like: setting class size caps or paying a teacher to offer more than one sitting of a certain class per week.

When I first encountered these organizational difficulties a few days ago, I reacted poorly. While it is indeed obnoxious, I suppose I should re-frame the situation. I am beyond fortunate to have the opportunity to live and study in Europe, and I should not expect things to always be easy or taken care of for me.

My trip last month to Denmark was fantastic! It was barely above freezing during the day, but it was at least sunny and clear most of the time. I really needed the travel experience, and it was a lot of fun to share said experience with my girlfriend. We have already planned a trip later in the year to München for Oktoberfest, which should be amazing because I've never been to that event. And to give the trip even more twist: We are going to Cairo, Egpyt afterwards. I've always wanted to go there, and I suspect that it will be rather eye opening as it will be my first trip to that region of the world. This trip is about five months away, so I'll be sure to write more about it later as the excitement and anticipation grows.

One thing that struck me about Copenhagen was the number of 7-11 convenience stores. We counted like 4 or 5 within one or two blocks of each other... Often within visible range of each other. Weird. Sightings of other American chain institutions (like a BlockBuster Video - my former place of employment from 2002 - 2005) were quite surreal for me. Perhaps it is surprising because I never cease to be impressed by the export of American culture and business to Europe. This is especially apparent in media. For example, one night after they came on in America, the Academy Awards came on in Copenhagen, subtitled into Danish.

As of this writing, the Icelandic volcano "Eyjafjallajökull" has been erupting and thus disrupting European air travel for four days. It shows no signs of letting up. The reports that I have read say that the wind needs to change direction, so it may linger into next week. Normally, I wouldn't care beyond the point of curiously reading news articles about such an event. However, I have a ticket to fly to FL in just 12 days, and I'd really like to be able to use it! One could argue that 12 days is too far away to start worrying. This is a good example of my ongoing struggle and attempt to not worry about (read: accept) things that I cannot control (like volcanic eruptions or snags in class schedules). At any rate, I'm glad that I'm not stranded away from home like many thousands of others around the world.

I think that I will end on a subject that ties in to what I was just writing about. Acceptance. Sometimes all it takes to accept a situation is a simple adjustment in perspective. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, especially in the past week or two. While I could bitch and moan about my "problems" of graduation requirements, insomnia, or it having been a little cold on
my vacation to Denmark... I think that the rest of the world (but more pointedly, myself) would be better served if I would just look at the situation differently. I am about to turn twenty-eight, and I've got no major health problems to cause concern that I won't make it to twenty-nine. I have had the remarkable chance to live in Berlin and should hopefully leave here with a Master's degree. I have an awesome girlfriend and our relationship is a continual force of positivity in my life. The sun is shining outside and I am able to ride my bike again. I do not have to worry about many things in life that most people do have to worry about (money, work, children).

The future, despite the inevitable disturbances that will come with it, is very bright indeed... when one looks at it from this perspective.

Success: The DSH Conclusion

Well, dear Readership... The last time I posted I was stressing out because of the all-important DSH language test. I had tutoring, I studied quite a bit, I did not sleep enough at all. But last Friday the 11th, I had 3 sections of the test. Reading, writing, listening. As I left the University auditorium where the test was held, I tried to suppress the "Good Feeling" that I had about it, because I did not want to get my hopes up.

Yesterday, the 16th, I had to go see if I had passed the first 3 sections of the test, and to see if I needed to take the "Spoken" (mündliche) portion of the test, which was held today. I did, in fact, have to take the spoken exam, in order to determine if I passed overall or not.

Well, I did it! I passed the spoken section today, and my overall result should be a DSH 2. (The scale goes from 1-3, with a 1 being a "failing" grade.) I needed either a 2 or a 3, and I got it!

This means that I've got about 2.5 weeks left of my "vacation," which is now FINALLY coming to an end. I guess I jumped the gun 2 posts ago when I got my acceptance letter. So... yes, NOW I really am going to Graduate school here in Berlin, at Humboldt Universität! Woo!

This is the result of almost 9 months of paperwork, 2 language classes, 3 language tests, with lots of sitting around and waiting in between. Pride is not something that I feel very often, but I feel it a little bit today.

It means big changes are coming, for me. No longer will I spend the majority of my day wasting time on Facebook (which, despite what I said in my last post, happened all too frequently over the past couple of weeks) or other time-wasting activities. Instead, I will be up to my eyeballs in classes in a language that is not English. Thus, it will require great effort on my part. Although I passed the DSH, that does not mean that I am "fluent" yet. I wrote a blog post a while back about what it means to be "fluent" in a language, and I know Billy has covered the theme of fluency as well...

Fluency in a different language is difficult to achieve, and even more difficult to describe. To be sure, there is a certain baseline level of knowledge... the ability to react spontaneously without thinking about a word or an adjective... but it depends entirely on the situation.

There is an election here in Germany in 10 days, so that has been dominating the news here. I watch the news every day, because it is much less dilute and sensational as American media. The one show I watch every day is called the "Tagesschau" ("Daily Show," hilariously enough). It is exactly 15 minutes long. Very short, very concise and really everything one should know about events for that day. Anyways, they have been talking about the upcoming election a lot as of late, and although I do follow what they are talking about, I do not always know the words for what the hell they are talking about. It's politic-speak. And much like English politic-speak, it is verbose and complex. In these instances, I feel much less fluent.

But then, when I hang out with regular German people my age, I have no problems. So, I expect that being in school here will accelerate this process. But I posit that fluency is impossible to achieve. Instead it is like a muscle that you build up every time you practice, but conversely it can also atrophy if you neglect it.

I can't wait to have a routine again. I have also been riding my bicycle as much as possible, which gives me a nice endorphin buzz, and allows me to better grasp the geography of (at least my area of) this enormous city. After all, if I'm going to be here for the next 2+ years, I had better know my way around, right?

A New Beginning

Hello everyone. I have been waiting to post until I received an answer from Humboldt Universität (seen above) regarding my acceptance.

As many of you know, I've been in Germany for 8 months (to the day, almost). In that time, I was in the C1 language course for all of January and February. Then I took the TestDaF prep course in late March and early April. The actual test was April 22nd.

So for the last 4 months, I have really done nothing of substantial merit. I have been on what I called a Permanent Vacation for the last 4 months! In situations like this my structure fades away and I tend to not care if it's Monday or Saturday, because it's always the same.

Well, my permanent vacation is coming to an abrupt end.

Because today, I got accepted to Humboldt for a Master's program in History!

I have to take a test called the DSH on September 11th, and then I will be matriculated into the German education system.

I am still very much in shock. Since I graduated FSU in April 2008 (16 months ago?) I feel like I've been floundering through life, directionless and without a purpose. This is not to say that being a student will bestow purpose upon me, but it IS a good start. I will finally start meeting people and my language skills will really take off.

Finally, after 8 months of being in Germany working towards this one thing, I actually achieved it.

For those of you that have been so supportive of me, you have my sincerest gratitude.

I'm going to have to start changing my ways, big time. No more sleeping all day and staying up all night. I've been trying to go on a daily bike ride for exercise and to explore the city. I have to implement these changes quickly if I am to be successful at Humboldt. But for now, I am incredibly excited.

Uncertainty

Considering that August is halfway through, I decided that today might be a good day to write a blog post so that I don't fall behind on by 2 posts per month average.

I still have not heard anything from Humboldt regarding my application for a Master's program, which would begin in October. I check the mailbox daily. I have been informed that I should receive my answer sometime in August, so this means that I've got no more than 2 more weeks until I find out.

At first my patience was holding rather strong. A few weeks ago I received an email from the application company saying that I was qualified to apply, and that my application would be sent on to Humboldt for further processing. (Foreigners here must apply through a third-party. I am not sure why, I suppose the schools themselves do not want to waste their time with foreigners who don't even come close to making the grade.) At first I thought this email itself WAS my acceptance. But upon closer inspection, I discovered that it was like a pre-acceptance.

I wrote in a previous blog post... that if I was not accepted to Humboldt, that I will just get a job, retake the TestDaF, and try again next semester. This is still my backup plan.

But what is really getting to me now, is the uncertainty. I suppose I should attempt to be more willing to "go with the flow," and submit myself to the fact that I have no real control over what will happen.

Whatever happens, things do need to change. I am getting tired of having no enforced structure on my life. My permanent vacation has become my reality. I have no need to wake up early, or to do much of anything really. Many motivated friends of mine would simply implement their own routine and try to follow it as best as possible. I suppose I could do the same. Why don't I? Or rather, why do I find it so difficult?


I have been keeping up with American current events. It seems like the country is going insane with these "Town Hall" meetings. I've watched a few of them on YouTube. The "birther" movement is a new mutation of right-wing fringe madness. Despite being dismissed by the chairman of the RNC, as well as even many of the Fox News pundits... People are actually saying that Obama was not actually born in Hawaii, but Kenya instead? Wouldn't such a ridiculous "smoking gun" have been vetted by his opponents and critics like 2 years ago? I do not understand how misinformation and patent stupidity could actually be so contagious.

Fanning the flames of ignorance and hatred are certainly not new developments in our society. Not at all. But at the same time, I have heard from adults who honestly believe Glenn Beck's claim that Obama has set up FEMA concentration camps for those who disagree with Obama. America may have a lot of problems... but is not following in the footsteps of Cuba or Nazi Germany or Stalinist USSR when it comes to rounding up political dissidents and throwing them in prison. What a preposterous claim!

While being as pretty far away from conversative/republican as is possible... I certainly support their right to exist and to disagree with the me. I've googled things like "political prisoners in america" and weeded my way through various hate-mongering message boards. I usually try to stay away from such websites, but I was curious. I wish I hadn't bothered to look. The internet can be a scary place, sometimes.

The Seeker and The Sought

Hello everyone. It has, once again, been a short while since my last post. Maybe I am afraid that if I post too frequently, my posts will go unread.

In any case, what is new. I am still on Permanent Vacation. Well, it is not entirely permanent. I am putting the finishing touches on my application to Humboldt Universität Berlin. The deadline is actually up next Wednesday, and I'm just waiting on my transcript to get here from FSU. I won't find out if I was accepted or not until August. If accepted, I must retake a German proficiency exam called the DSH in September, because my TestDaF scores were not high enough. I am not at all excited about re-taking a language exam.

In preparation for this test, I will probably be taking the C2 level course for 8 weeks, in August and September, at the same school that I completed the C1 level course in January and February. I am a little nervous about that possibility, because C2 is the last level. I should theoretically be able to do "anything" after that.

If I do not get accepted to Humboldt, then I will end up getting a job and then re-applying for the Spring Semester. This is obviously the lesser of the 2 possible options.

Other than that, not much is new in Germany. It is getting very warm. Since Europeans do not believe in A/C, I bought myself an oscillating fan. It has been worth every penny thus far.


So I've been thinking about writing a blog post about a certain topic for a while. It has to do with the dynamic between two people. This applies (to some extent) to platonic friendships, but moreso to intimate relationships. Since relationships seem to be a hot blog topic, I figured it was about time to throw this out there. I have talked about this with some of you in the past, and it has been a theory of mine for quite some time.

I believe that in every relationship between two people, one person plays the role of the "Seeker," which means that he or she actively spends more time "pursuing" the other person, who takes the role of the "Sought." When I talk about "pursuit," I do not necessarily mean when one tries to make the other into their significant other (although that certainly counts too) but I also just mean when one person seems to try harder than the other to hang out, to get in touch, etc. I would actually say that this dynamic applies to every relationship. And most certainly to every significant other-relationship.

The healthiest couples are usually (of course not always) those that have the smallest "gap" in between the Seeker and the Sought. If it is either so small that it cannot be noticed, or even small enough that the two people change roles back and forth, that usually makes for a relationship that can last for a while.

One must also watch out at the beginning of a courtship (or even a new friendship). If you meet someone, exchange phone numbers and/or add them to your Facebook, you would do well to not send them 10 unanswered text messages a day. If they are replying to your 10 messages, obviously the gap between you is small and you are on the right track. This may sound like common sense, but it's amazing how often people ruin potentially good relations because they fail to exercise restraint.

I have been on both ends of this before. When you are the Seeker, you feel that if you do not put in 60% or more of the total "work" required to maintain a relationship, that it will fall apart. Most often, the Sought KNOWS full well that the Seeker feels this way, and may use it to their advantage.

At the beginning, the distinction between the two can be blurred by mutual enthusiasm for one another. In these instances I would say that both parties are Seekers and thus are both Sought. But, inevitably an imbalance will evolve. In the best of scenarios, this imbalance is negligible or practically non-existent.

Sometimes the imbalance grows exponentially, like a cancer. The Sought becomes annoyed with the Seeker's constant attempts for more affection/attention and then pulls away. The increased distance makes the Seeker panic, and consequently they will Seek even harder. This cyclical downward spiral situation is amongst the worst of cases.

Of course, human relationships can be incredibly complicated. Not every relationship can be boiled down to these 2 categories. But it provides a useful model when one contemplates their relationships with others.

Permanent Vacation & Stockholm Syndrome

Man, I should stop waiting weeks in between entries. I really am sorry to those of you who have been actually asking for updates. I am notoriously bad about frequent updating. But hey, doesn't that mean that when I do update, it is a little more special?

Important news: I passed the TestDaF! I did not do perfectly, though. So, I have to retake another German language test in September before my classes would theoretically start in October. The Freie Universität Berlin, where I HAD wanted to go is no longer an option for me, as I basically missed the application deadline due to serious misinformation. So now I am applying for a Master's program at Humboldt Universität, the alma mater of: Einstein, Bismarck, Engels, Hegel, Schopenhauer, Marx, Heisenberg, W.E.B. DuBois and The Brother's Grimm.

Cross your fingers for me, my friends. I really want to get in to this Universität. I am tired of not being in school anymore. My life has very little structure. I basically stay up late, and sleep in every single day. I have dubbed this my "permanent vacation," which is much less relaxing than one would imagine after weeks go by. One becomes a little stir crazy. I am only allowed to work 3 days a week on my current visa, so that has made me balk at job hunting. I miss feeling like I have a purpose or reason to get up in the morning, beyond a distant "Fall 09" semester. I want to feel like I am accomplishing something.

A couple of weeks ago I went to Stockholm, Sweden. It was a truly amazing place. The sun shines for like 20 hours a day during the summer. The language is totally beautiful. But, I would never bother to learn it because only 10 million people live in Sweden, and they ALL speak perfect English anyway. Some highlights of the trip include:

- Räksmörgås - These are open-faced sandwiches (pictured above) with mayo, egg, and a giant pile of tiny shrimp. I don't even like shrimp that much, but these sandwiches are amazing. Actually, I loved all the Swedish food I tried. I'd go so far as to say that I'm a fan for life. Which is odd, because you never hear much about Swedish food. It's always "Asian, Italian, Mexican..." Where's the Swedish?

- The Stockholm Absolut Ice Bar - This is a bar that was made entirely out of ice. Even the glasses were made of ice. They gave us all "warmth capes" and gloves because the whole room is kept at -5 Celsius to prevent the tables, couches and whatnot from melting. They had several varieties of both alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages. I just liked it because one's shoes would freeze to the metal floor so with every step you'd have to kind of un-stick yourself.

- The People Watching - Scandanavians have somehow hit the genetic jackpot. The girls are all amazingly gorgeous and everyone is quite tall. I am also tall, but the people are noticeably taller than in Germany or in the U.S.

- The High School Graduation - There were dozens of dumptrucks rolling around the streets of Stockholm with the graduation high school classes of 2009. They were playing loud techno, "hootin and hollerin," drinking and just generally waving at the citizens and tourists in Stockholm. I raised my hand in a thumbs up to one truck, and was met with a roar of applause. I could not help but to laugh out loud. The government took care of all this, as well. Workers were driving the trucks, and guiding the traffic. If we did something like this in America, we would have 100% graduation rates.

I really want to go back to Stockholm someday, and spend some more time there. Though, I can imagine that it is rather insane during the winters, as it was very cold there in June. So, I can only imagine that the freezing cold of the Nordic winter combined with almost complete darkness all day long would make me a little down.

Traveling has been very helpful in dealing with my permanent vacation. The constant distraction it provides is good for my mind. Less than a week after returning from Sweden, I went on a road trip to Austria, but I am saving that for another entry. (...I won't wait 3 weeks to post again, either.)